What if Kamala wasn’t born in Jersey City, what if her and her family moved from Karachi when she was 8 years old? A little tidbit about how Kamala met Nakia.
Kamala sat down in a wooden tall mahogany chair and munched happily on her cake rusk dipped in chai. She can hear her father and aamir devouring their aloo parathas while watching Geo News in the next room over. Her mother combed quickly through her thick, wavy and frizzy black hair.
Her mom asked “Beta, are you ready for your first day of school in America?”
Kamala stuck her hands in the air and exclaimed “Yes!!! I’m excited! ”
“Good beta jaan, I know my Kamala will win everyone’s hearts.”
Her mother then divided her hair into sections and tightly braided her hair. Her mother put her backpack on and, together they walked to her new school, Coles Elementary. At the entrance Kamala’s mother crouched down to her level, adjusted her straps and gave a Kamala a kiss on her forehead and a big hug.
Kamala, giddy to enter the building, trying to free herself from her mother’s grip groans “Ammi, let go na.”
Her mother sighs “ Acha beta, have good day, I will be right here when you come out.”
As soon as her mother utters those words, she skids off into the massive building. Once she enters the building she is greeted, by a healthy woman wearing a tan skirt. The woman introduces herself, “Good morning dear, your name must be Kamala. My name is Ms. Johnson, I will be your 3rd grade teacher.”
Ms. Johnson led her into a large room filled with colorful pictures, projects, desks, and an Alphabet carpet! Sitting in the desks, is her new class. There are many kids, but none of them really look like her. Ms. Johnson introduced Kamala to her new class. “Class, this is your new classmate Kamala Khan, she just moved here, Kamala, how about you go sit next to Zoe.”
This girl, Zoe had long shiny blonde hair, Kamala had never seen a girl with a hair color like that! Kamala just knew she had to become best friends with this girl!
To be continued…..
Questions
1) what do you think of the piece overall?
2) What can I add to spice this piece up?
3)Does this make sense?
4) Should I cut down on the details?
5) Is ny grammar and punctuation okay?
1) Overall I was a little confused about what way you were writing your assignment, I just heard you say your piece was fan fiction but if I was reading this last night I wouldn’t have known. But I like your ideas and the way it’s worded, you can tell you know the material.
2) Something I would add to spice it up would be adding a dramatic scene with Kamala and her mother because overall in Ms. Marvel we see them buttheads a lot.
3) Like I said before I was a little confused on what it was that you were writing but now I know it’s fan fiction. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t know much about comics but I would love to understand and maybe dialog would help? All in all I love where you are going with this!
4) I don’t think you should dial down on ideas because it helps me understand the direction you wanna go if anything add more it makes your piece stronger.
5) Yes everything is all good! But sometimes I find that I miss the simplest mistakes so maybe read it over again because maybe I missed something! Great piece girl! I’ll let you know when I’m done with mine today 🙂
Nawal,
This is super exciting, and I love your alternative take on the origin of Kamala’s origin story. In terms of “spicing it up,” I think you’re alright — I really love that this focuses on her meeting Nakia. Their relationship is so important — girls being friends with girls! — and I am so stoked that you chose to explore that.
Kat’s absolutely right — your attention to detail in the world you’re re-creating is amazing. Love it.
I would watch out for tense-changes, though. You start in the past tense, then here — “Kamala, giddy to enter the building, trying to free herself from her mother’s grip groans “Ammi, let go na.”” — you switch to present tense, and then here — “Ms. Johnson led her”, you’re back to past again. It’s okay — I do this in my fan fiction allllll the time!! — just make sure you’re picking one and sticking with it. The tense you’re writing in also really impacts the rhythm of your words, so make sure you’re picking something that fits the rhythm and tone you’re trying to create!
Can’t wait to read the rest!!!
1- Omg Nawal, I can’t wait to read what you have prepared for the final draft for assignment 3, I know it’ll be great. So far, I can sense where the story may turn towards… I like what you have so far and I think it’s interesting especially the fact that she starts talking to Zoe and knowing how her(Zoe) character is lol.
2- Let’s be real, the audience likes drama, so maybe if you make Zoe not like Kamala at first because of her appearance that would be cool, or maybe the class could have an issue with Kamala(even the teacher if that’s not too upsetting)?
3-I think this makes sense so far… Just make sure you give a short explanation of certain things or words the class may not be familiar with.
4-The details you have down are fine.
5- Girl, I’m terrible at grammar so I wouldn’t know. The only thing I can really pinpoint at, are the commas.
1.I love reading about a young Kamala, and especially about her first day of school. It was cool to see her meeting actual characters in the comic for the first time. The best part is that I felt like this was actually Kamala by the way it was written. You definitely have the feel for the character down pat.
2.I love the detail you have added already. Maybe you can add some thoughts of kamala here and there. It’s never bad to pick the brains of a future super hero after all.
3.The story made perfect sense to me. I didn’t feel loss as I continued to read. Your attention to detail while world building is great. I can actually imagine where Kamala is at.
4.There’s no need to cut down on details. I feel my favorite part about the story is how you vividly describe the surroundings and whats happening in the fan fiction.
5. The grammar looks fine to me. But grammar isn’t my strong suit.