The sharp winds slapped her face as they whirled all around her. It was cold even for Jersey standards. The buildings looked grim and grey, making her current situation seem impossibly hopeless. Bruno had disappeared and Kamala spent every waking moment of the last few days searching for him. The usual hideout, the junk yard, she searched everywhere she could think of, and the frustration built as every single lead went nowhere. Kamal sighed and fell down on the floor feeling hopeless. Her red and blue suit didn’t make her feel as powerful as usual. As she racked her brains for where he could be, she began to feel disheartened and the world around her grew larger.
“Where could he be? There’s gotta be a clue somewhere.” Kamala said under her breathe.
“If he’s in danger I have to find him fast.. Think Kamala think!”
Just then, a thought ignited her brain and she immediately remembered what might be a key clue to finding Bruno. Two months ago she was stopping a bank robbery she remembered a certain man who was different than the other robbers. It didn’t seem as if he was getting captured, but more allowing her to take him in. His face was covered in a black mask and he wore a dark green trench coach. Kamala remembered gripping him tightly with her right hand and he spoke to her.
“You remind me of someone I know. You seem so interesting. So pure, like an empty canvas.”
His voice was like gravel on the sidewalk. It sent a chill down her spine and a tingly sensation raced around her body. He was captured but Kamal felt like she wasn’t in control. Something felt different with this criminal.
“I assume your new to this crime fighting thing. I’m guessing you think you have it all figured out?” The mysterious stranger asked.
“It’s none of your business.” Kamal replied. Her voice quivered as she answered.
“Oh but it is. I’ve been so… bored. All these heros are so uninteresting. They have no limits. They dont wrestle with themselves. Who are they to decide what they should and should not do.” The man talked, but strangely it drew Kamal’s attention.
He continued his monologue. “But you, you’re different. You fight with yourself every day. You believe you’re in control, but you’re not. When faced with an impossible decision, I wonder how you’ll react. It makes me feel alive thinking about it.”
“Yeah you can think about it jail.” Kamal said with a grin.
“Thats not going to happen.” The man replied.
“Oh yeah? well y..” Kamala was interrupted by an explosion.
The ceiling crumbled and fell on her making her lose the grip on the man. As he walked away she could hear him speak.
“You’ll be hearing from me soon, my pet project. You can call me the Butcher.” He walked away laughing.
“It cant be.. right?” Kamal whispered.
Kamala returned home, in a daze, thinking about if the Butcher was really behind this. What could she do? Should she call the police? As she walked into her room, she noticed something was off. She felt a certain chill in the room. The curtains on her windows danced with the wind.
“Thats odd.. I dont remember leaving my windows open.”
Just then she noticed a note on her desk. She lunged for it and scanned it rapidly. In the note was a short message. “Come to the abandoned warehouse by the river, alone. Heed the instructions, or Bruno suffers.” On the bottom it was signed “The Butcher.”
Kamala’s knees turned to jelly as she was met with a surge of different emotions. She was happy to find Bruno, but she was scared on what the Butcher had in store for her. It didn’t matter what she was feeling however, she needed to save Bruno no matter what. Kamala rushed towards the abandoned warehouse. The building was broken down after years of being left all alone. Kamala’s stomach churned as she turned the knob on the entrance door slowly. Every fiber of her body told her to turn back, but she knew she couldn’t. As she entered, all she could see was darkness. Suddenly, lights flashed on, illuminating the entire warehouse. However the only thing that came into vision was one person. He was dressed in a green trench coach, and the same alluring black mask. It was him, it was the Butcher.
“I’m glad you could make it.” His voice was the same as always. But this time it was different. His voice calmed Kamala down, as if he wasn’t here to hurt her.
“Where’s Bruno??!” Kamal yelled.
“Dont worry, we’ll get to him soon enough. After all he’s the most important piece of today’s lesson.” The butcher was calm as he spoke. As if he was talking to a student.
“You see, my hobby is to show people who believe that they can do good that nothing matters in the end. When faced with difficult choices, the people who are so sure of justice are the one’s who falter. When the actions one must take are grey, the people who live by a code of black and white are the one’s fail everyone around them.” As he talked, it seemed as though he was speaking of something familiar to himself.
“I have no time for this, show me Bruno right now, or I’ll crush you.” Kamala demanded. Her voice seemed angry, yet it had a hint of desperation. She just couldn’t see where the Butcher was going, and she was afraid to find out.
“Ah but you will make time, if you want to save Bruno that is.” The butcher replied.
“What do you want from me?” Why are you doing this?” Kamala asked.
“You see, I could see it in your eyes. Your sense of pure justice. You believe that the right thing is so easy. That all you need to do is make the right choice. But what if the decision you make isn’t the right choice? What if there is no right choice? Will you falter in front of an impossible decision?” The man explained, but as he spoke, Kamala only became more confused.
“You’re insane, just show me Bruno right now!.” Kamala yelled, getting more and more enraged.
“Relax, I’m going to explain everything.” As he talked, he moved over to a wall with different colored buttons and switches. He pressed the red button, and Kamala began to hear a mechanical buzzing all around her. The wall behind the Butcher began to rise and Kamala made out what seemed to be a chair and what seemed to be a transparent wall leading to a closed off room. She saw what seemed to be a person behind the walls. The person seemed drained, unable to move.
“It’s Bruno!” Kamala thought.
“Let Bruno go right now!” Kamala demanded, as her fists grew to the size of a small car.
“Ah you see, whether he gets out or not.that will be up to you. Bruno only has enough air to live for about 5 more minutes, and the wall is reinforced with vibranium making it impossible to destroy.” The Butchers voice seemed to have a hint of excitement like a child describing his favorite video game.
The Butcher walked across to the chair and sat down. He strapped himself in and looked towards Kamala.
“What do you want from me? Please just let him go.” Kamala begged. Brute force wasn’t going to save Bruno. All thoughts left Kamala’s brain, and she stood trembling uncontrollably.
“Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a little boy who lived with his mom and dad. He loved his mom very much. He was also the biggest fan of super heros. He loved, them and wanted to be just like them. He wanted to get rid of all the evil in the world.” The Butchers tone changed, his voice became hoarse.
“But his dad would yell at his mom and beat her, the little boy would always worry for his mom’s safety. One day his dad came home really drunk, and started beating his mom again. The little boy finally had enough and reached for a knife. All the little boy had to do was go after his dad and his mom and him would be safe forever.”
“But the little boy couldn’t go through with it, he was too afraid to make the decision. The Butchers voice changed again, this time his voiced seemed more apathetic. “The next day the boy returned from school to find police cars all over his house. His dad had killed his mom and was arrested.”
Kamala could feel a little tremble in the voice of the Butcher. ” You see, the little boy could have saved his mom but he faltered in the face of an impossible decision. He chose not to take action and it would haunt him forever.” Now I’m going to see what you’ll do in with the same problem.”
“On your right you’ll find a lever, that lever will open the wall to Bruno freeing him. However that same lever will inject a poison from this chair and it will instantly kill me.” The Butcher seemed to be almost laughing as he explained. “The choice when you think of it in terms of good and evil seems so easy.”
“But in reality, it’s an impossible decision, it is one that changes you, tests you in a way that takes you to the very peak of what kind of hero you want to be. What will you do?” The Butcher became silent, and he sat and waited.
“You’re INSANE!! Stop all of this!” Kamala roared at the top of her lungs.
The Butcher just sat in silence. Bruno didn’t have much time left, she had to act. Kamala ran over to the lever, and she put her hands on it. It was cold, lifeless, unlike her body which was burning, both with anger and a sense of desperation. Kamala could not bring herself to pull the lever, her body stopped in its tracks. Her mind raced inside of her, bringing of thoughts of her dad, her mom, and anyone else as she thought of advice for what she should do. However she could not focus on any of them, as the situation was making it impossible for her to focus on anything.
“What should I do?” Kamala thought. “What would Captain America do?”
With each passing second, Kamala felt her mind rushing, her heart felt as if she was moving at the speed of light. She turned to look at the Butcher. Even through his mask she could see a calmness on his face. Kamala knew she needed to act. Being a hero was important to her, but nothing was more important than the people she loved.
Kamala emerged from the warehouse. The sun was rising as a ray of light blinded her, and seemed to blanket the cold river. Kamala’s mind was still blank, not a single though was going through her head. She continued to walk in a daze, until one thought came to her. In the last few seconds she could hear the Butcher whisper something to himself.
“I see.. I was wrong,” the Butcher said under his breathe, and as he said that, Kamala could almost feel as if he was smiling.
- Is the piece written in a well paced manner?
- Is anything confusing or difficult to understand?
- The motive of the villain seems to be a bit unclear, any suggestions?
- I purposely kind of put an open ended ending to keep it from being even darker than it turned out to be. Does it take away from the story?
- Any suggestions are welcome!
John,
Oh. My. God. I love this so, so, so much. You really captured Kamala’s voice super well — so impulsive, so prone to yelling, to muttering to herself — excellent! And you conjured up a great villain! He’s that perfect model of the sinister, scary calm, sadistic parody of evil.
One little thing, about writing fiction — make sure that when you write dialogue, you put a comma where you’re currently putting a period, and lower-case the next word of your narration, exactly like you did in the last paragraph. So, in general, like this:
and it will instantly kill me,” the Butcher seemed…
Instead of this:
and it will instantly kill me.” The Butcher seemed…
Does that make sense? When the dialogue ends with an exclamation point or a question mark, you don’t need a comma, etc.
As for your questions: I don’t think the open-ended conclusion makes it less powerful, but that’s a reader’s choice kind of thing. The more important question is, what do *you* think? If you’re comfortable with it being darker, that’s okay, you can go for it! In terms of the motive of the villain, I think it’s fine: I think even though he’s being awful and sadistic and scary, he’s also pretty darn campy, and that campiness almost feels like motivation in itself, you know? What do *you*, as the author, think his motivation is? Is there any way to better demonstrate that in the midst of the fic?
I absolutely love this, and can’t wait to read the final version!