Steeve Moliere
English 102
Rough Draft 1
Before reading my fan fiction story regarding the “Poem for a Lady Whose Voice I like”, I must first introduce you the Characters. So, he said, he’s name is Jamaar and she said, her name is Isabella. Paramedic (1) is a character and Paramedic (2) also another character.
Isabella was brought into this world not by love but by a religious belief, that aborting a baby is considered to be one of the worst sin, a mother could have ever committed in front of God. Isabella mother was a smart, educated, religious young lady, who took God and her education very seriously, upon graduating high school; a party was thrown in her name, to celebrate her efforts on completing what many others couldn’t. During the party, she got very drunk and was raped by a group of ruthless teenagers. She was found later that night in a dark alley all alone with her mouth taped up, bruises all over her thighs; starring at an empty dark sky with no stars. Nonetheless, none of the young boys were prosecuted, due to the traumatic experience Isabella’s mother endured which had led to her not being able to corroboratively tell her side of the story. A few weeks after the incident took place, Isabella mother had discovered that she was carrying the fetus of one of her rapist, she contemplated with the idea of getting an abortion, but due to her religious belief; she was pushed into keeping the baby with the intention that the baby would be giving away to the perfect family. Nine months later, she had grown very close to her baby and decided to keep her, regardless of the circumstances behind her pregnancy. A few days after she decided to keep the baby, Isabella was ready to start her journey into this world. She picked up the phone and Scream with a broken voice.
Isabella’s Mother: HELLO HEL..LO, I NEED AN AMBULANCE
911 (Operator): Yes, Ma’am what’s your emergency
She replied: SHE’S COMING
911: Who’s coming Ma’am
She replied: MY BABY, UGHHH
911: Stay with me Ma’am, Ambulance on the way.
Upon the arrival of the ambulance, Isabella mother had already prepared her hospital bag. The ambulance arrived, and they took her in, but the hospital was very far from her location. We’re almost there, ma’am: said the paramedics, but she couldn’t hold Isabella any longer, she pushed, and Isabella was born in the back of an Ambulance. The baby screamed, and the Paramedics congratulate her while she lay there with the same empty look as when she was raped.
Paramedic (1): Would you like for us to call the father.
Paramedic (1): (Shouted)- Ma’am, the Father would you like us to call him.
Isabella Mother (Shouted back) While staring at one of the Paramedic (2): It’s you, don’t touch my baby. Stay away.
Paramedic (1): Do you know this woman, and Paramedic (2) replied No (quickly and nervously). she’s probably in a lot of pain, pay her no mind.
Isabella Mother: calmly replied with her last breath, her name …her name is ISABELLA.
A few minutes before they arrived at the hospital she went into cardiac arrest and died, leaving Isabella in the hands of the Paramedic (1). Paramedic (1) carried the baby inside the facility, where he sat down and waited for child services to arrive. Upon child services arrival, he alerted them about Paramedic (2) and also stated that the mother had already name the child Isabella and they should make sure that name remain her name.
7 years later….
Jamaar was brought into a foster home, where he met Isabella for the first time.
Isabella: Hi, I’m Isabella, what’s your name.
Jamaar: I’m Jamaar, I think.
Jamaar-: Isabella, that’s a beautiful loving name.
Isabella-: I know, I just wished I could have met the woman that gave it to me. I heard she was very brave.
Jamaar: I HATE THEM ALL. ALL OF THEM
Isabella: Who, tell me PLEASE
Jamaar burst into tears, while staring at Isabella; she hugged him tightly and promised she’ll always be there for him, nonetheless for Isabella it was just a promise to calm Jamaar down, however to Jamaar that was everything. The next day, Isabella asked: what happened to your parents Jamaar, cause my mother died, she said it so calmly without any remorse. Jamaar replied you’re lucky yours is dead, at least you don’t have to live your life knowing drugs was more important to your parents then taking care of you.
What three things do you want to ask your peers about your work?
Was it good? and do you understand where am I going with my story ?
Can you predict the end?
What three things are your favorite about your fan fic?
The first thing is the fact that I can create my own story and explore a whole different world that I never thought existed before.
What three things are you unsure of?
Is my story good, am I following a straight path that’s going to help me close out my story and still be able to complete the assignment?
I really enjoyed your story and it has good supporting details. I think you should add more details about the boy, I mean like his past or characteristic.
I enjoyed the story especially with the dialogue it really made the characters come to life. I really didn’t predict the ending in that way, I though the father (paramedic) would take custody of her but your ending made more since. Your story is pretty straight forward, showing the characters origins just maybe expand a little more on Jamaars character and backstory.
The story has a very good plot, very brutal; the paramedic scene takes the cake. reads like a melodrama and has a script like structure, like an anime. More correlation to the original work would enhance the premises of your writing.
Steeve,
I agree with your classmates very much! I love how dialogue-heavy your fan fic is, and I absolutely love the way you take the religious slant of the poem and interweave it into your own work.
I would encourage you to put a content warning on top of the fic to indicate to your readers that it includes a reference to — and is in fact premised on — rape. In fan fiction, those kinds of content warnings about intense material are so common as to be expected.
Beyond that, I think it’s really cool and unique that you chose to write your fan fic almost in a play format. The type of dialogue writing you do here is like from a play script or a screen play rather than from another type of fiction; this is completely fine if your intention was to twist the genre a bit! If, though, you wanted a more conventional fan fic style, you could transform the fic into prose style, more like the inside of a novel, with the dialogue integrated into paragraph form.
That said, I think either way is more than fine. And, to address your question, I personally can’t wait to see the path that this story is going on — it’s going to be amazing! Keep at it!
JP