Draft
“Ga-briel!!! baja, la comida está listo” said Flor. “OK MOM AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU ITS GAI-BREE-UHL AND NOT GA-BRIEL!!!” said Gabriel. Gabriel goes down stairs to the dining table. “What is that? That looks disgusting” said Gabriel. “Those are tacos y ya come chamco” said Flor. “I think I’m going to order some pizza instead” said Gabriel. “I don’t know why you don’t want to eat mexican food if you are in fact a mexican too mi hijo” said Flor. “I know I’m some mexican but I consider myself to be AMERICAN BECAUSE I WAS BORN HERE, and I really don’t like mexican food” said Gabriel. “You know you should be ashamed of your race and ethnicity” said Flor. “I know but everything that’s being going on right now about hispanic people and specialty mexican people being criminals, I rather not consider myself a mexican nor a hispanic person, and tbh I kinda agree with our president” said Gabriel. “I don’t want hear another word from you, go to your ROOM NOW!!!!” said Flor. “Uuh whatever, I could care less” said Gabriel as he’s going to his room. “Oh snap the dallas cowboys are playing right now” said Gabriel as he turns the t.v on. “Breaking news, Another couple dozen undocumented people have been detained by ICE, some are parents who have US citizen children from ages 16-2 years. How does being undocumented or having family members undocumented have an effect on a adolescent’s physiological health? Stay tooned” said news reporter. “How bout I don’t stay tooned but I guess that would suck to be one those kids, and one of them is my age but that’s what they get because their parents came here illegally. I…. better change the channel before the game ends” said gabriel.
Scene2 school
Scene3 way back home
Scene4 powers/school
Scene5 becoming a hero
What powers should I give my hero?
Does it relate to Ms.Marvel?
Any suggestions?
Ary,
Beautiful work you’re doing here! I love the outline, and the way you start your story! So strong, so full of life and relationships and character development, just through the way the characters are speaking to each other and interacting. You’ve got a real talent here — beautiful!
One thing I want you to make sure you do, though, is separate out the dialogue for us. As of now, it’s kind of hard to read, format-wise, because all the dialogue is clustered together. So, you want to separate it so each person’s dialogue gets their own paragraph, like it is in novels. For example:
“Ga-briel!!! baja, la comida está listo” said Flor.
“OK MOM AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU ITS GAI-BREE-UHL AND NOT GA-BRIEL!!!” said Gabriel. Gabriel goes down stairs to the dining table. “What is that? That looks disgusting” said Gabriel.
I would further encourage you to mix up the “said” so you’re not repeating the word so much, and so you’re giving us an even better sense of who the characters are and how they’re interacting/moving through the world. So, another edit to the same paragraphs might be:
“Ga-briel!!! baja, la comida está listo” shouted Flor.
“OK MOM AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU ITS GAI-BREE-UHL AND NOT GA-BRIEL!!!” called Gabriel. He stomps down stairs to the dining table. “What is that? That looks disgusting,” he groans.
Does that make sense?
And, as for what superpowers he should get — hmmmmmm. Depends what kinda story you ultimately want to tell! Maybe keep writing more of this character and see what kinds of superpowers would fit his personality — or, what kinds of superpowers you think he’d hate, and give him those to see what kind of trouble it stirs up o.O
I absolutely can’t wait to see where this goes — beautiful work so far!!
JP