Tag: final draft

A Love that Never Ends ( Final)

Assignment 1 http://archive.cunyhumanitiesalliance.org/breathingthroughwriting/2017/03/14/assignment-1/

Assignment(predraft): http://archive.cunyhumanitiesalliance.org/breathingthroughwriting/2017/03/20/assignment-1-pre-draft-6/

The classmates work that I have reviewed was Domnika Elarabi, Mel. I posted both of their reviews on the website.

Artist Statement

  1. My audience for this project was focused entirely on everyone. We all have that person in our life we love and haven’t had the chance to say thanks too. I felt in writing my essay it has relate to the majority of the audience. If the essay was focused on a certain majority of people then the other half would feel disconnected and would lose interest.

Before reading my writing piece I feel that we can all relate to making mistakes in life that we aren’t often proud of. Sometimes these mistakes were with our parents or loved ones and the way we treated them or have disappointed them at that moment but didn’t care to realize. This essay isn’t on blaming ourselves but rather learning on those errors.

  1. The take away from this writing was a value of appreciation that I had gained from the poem # Dear Mum. The speaker Kamal Saleh left me thinking to my own personal life. For instance the sacrifices my mom had made for me and my sisters such as leaving her own family behind in India so she could provide a brighter future for us. I often didn’t look back at all the things she had done for me until now.
  2. My audience will be able to learn the lesson of appreciation because the speaker provides clear examples from his own life of his mom for instance homemade meals, doing the laundry. It’s also found with me sharing my own life experiences in the essay.
  3. The unique perspective that I bring to my audience is by first giving an analysis of the poem. Then sharing a personal story in my life that I usually don’t share with many people but I felt with this poem and how much of it relates to my life it was worth sharing.

The value of this perspective was not just sharing a story but for my audience to have a something they can take away such as learning how to treat others, or a realization.

  1. While working on this project I learned how to express myself through a form of free writing. Usually with essays there is prompt that is provided for us and indicates what the essay need to have. Never the option of adding your own insight was given always told to “leave your opinion out”. Having the option of expressive writing left me with being able to share personal stories with my audience. Also being creative to how I wanted to write.

What I would still like to learn is the different types of poems because I have grown into the spoken word but I would love to discover more.

  1. The role of the peer review comments has helped me a lot. Often I struggle when it comes to the delivery and getting the thoughts down on paper. Also I struggle with the structure of the paper often going from one idea to another. My classmate has helped me a lot by providing me with insightful advice of what I should be adding and moving around. Also having the discussion in class and going further in depth of the poem and the class discussions helped me get my ideas out in paper.
  2. Since working on the subject of poetry it has left me with having a different outlook. Usually I never looked at poetry in depth because in my other class it was books that were implemented to us and often essays would be coming from those forms of text. Now given the outlook of poetry it has changed my viewpoint I find it interesting especially if it has to do with an issue that we’re facing in our society. Also I’m engaged by the use of spoken words that I find myself viewing YouTube videos during my free time.
  3. If I had another week working in this project I would add some finishing touches such as bringing my thoughts to a more concise finish. Also I would want to work on my conclusion a bit more because it’s a struggle for me to bring everything that I have written about into a paragraph.
  4. Lastly what I would like to leave you with is appreciate what you have in front of you. To never compare to someone else status of what they have. That what our parents say is always for our best interest.

  A Love that Never Ends

A mother is defined to be as nurturing, loving, and the one who’s there for you through the ups and downs that we face in life. The bond that a mother forms with her child is building even before the child is born. When the child is brought to the world the bond grows and a mom serves to protect her child through any life challenges that comes its way. The speaker used the form of spoken word to express his feelings he has toward his mother. In the poem “# Dear Mum” Kamal Saleh shares his mother love for him and leaves his audience reflecting their feeling about their loved ones. He doesn’t just share a story with you but rather tells the love and sacrifices a mother makes. He goes in depth with values, and personal moments when he is sharing.

Kamal Saleh begins with “To the woman that loved me before I was born” this exemplifies a mother’s love for a child. Dear mum wasn’t just a poem that described a feeling he has toward his mom but he went in depth with it. Of what she had went through before giving birth from being pregnant. The sacrifices that she had made “with weaknesses upon weaknesses for nine months long” hinting at what pregnancy brings to a mother that each trimester brings a new challenge from it being morning sickness to the feeling of fatigue and gaining weight.  Even though the mom has gone through these challenges she didn’t let it stop her or ever once complained. A soon to be mother reassuring herself through time that it all will be worth it. An experience that further showed a mothers willingness was “wake up every single morn to stand up freezing in the cold, hanging up the clothes we had worn”. Letting his audience know of what his mother did for him putting up clean clothes on the line for it to dry. Then cooking up a warm meal to ensure her kids were full. Lastly what exemplifies a mothers sacrifice that the speaker adds is “I still remember to all those sleepless night that I couldn’t sleep until I called for you from the bedroom door” this lets us know how she didn’t put herself or her needs first. She would make sure that he was well and secure. By tucking him in bed and giving a kiss to provide him with a warm feeling and that he didn’t need to worry about anything and she was always there. A mother doesn’t put her needs before her child but rather the opposite.

 

Saleh shares and reflects of his past actions to moments he feels regretful of. Often going back to the past and what hurts his mother the most and the mistakes that he has made was followed up with an apology. Kamal Saleh addressed “for the nights you didn’t sleep and for all those missed calls” referring to the worry nights that she had to face from not hearing from him. Questions that were rooming in her head at that time of was he safe? Why isn’t he picking up the phone? The panic she was going through at that moment calling him several times just to hear his voice say that he is “ok” but was just left to a voice-mail response. This exemplifies that even though he was becoming an adult she still had the feeling that any parent would have for their child.  The repetitive calls for the speaker was like why is she annoying me? Not care to realize that the reason she was calling was to make sure he was safe.  We’ve all been guilty of this getting into arguments with our mom. The speaker shares “I’m sorry for all the fights we had and for all the broken walls”. As a child or adolescent the fights that we get with our parents is often over something so little and often we want things to be our way and never care to listen to what they have to say. Letting our emotions get the best of us at that moment we curse at them letting anger get the best of us. As the speaker has gotten older he shares how the mistake he made was hurting his mother. He recalls on those many moments that we could recall from our lifetime as well. That when we look back to those moments we remember how crazy we’re acting and often feel regretful of what we had put our parent through.

#Dear mum wasn’t like any other poem that I had heard before because it really hit me home. It brought me back to my personal experiences that I had shared with my mother. It left me with regret that I never had the chance to say thank you for all that she had done for me. From losing her at young age I still have memories of her leaving her family behind just to come to the United States. For the opportunity she wanted her children’s to have so they could better themselves. The similarities that Kamal Saleh shares about his mom resonates with me. From the memories of all the home made meals she had cooked for us and not a single thank you I had said. To the nights that my mom would be staying up working so her kids could get what they wanted. I still didn’t say thank you. Lastly for all the times I would argue with her cause I didn’t like what I was wearing being so selfish and not thinking that was all she could provide for me. This poem brought me to tears and made me think of my mom and a feeling of wishing that she was still here just to hold her tight and say thank you for all that she has given me.

In the poem # Dear Mum the audience the speaker is relating to is a wider majority. He doesn’t focus on one ethnicity or rather one religion his audience is a wide variety. When it comes to his delivery he uses the terms from his culture but he translates them right after. For instance when he said “Alhamdulillah” then translates all praise the lord. The use of visual edits such as using images that went side by side to he was saying. Adding his own memories made us think of our own experiences. Attire as well played a clear role because Saleh was just wearing jeans and a plain sleeve shirt which is more of a formal wear. As for his other videos he had on more of a religious attire such as the taqiyah which is used for prayer. In this video you can see that the speaker wanted his audience to be focused highly on teens with title starting with a hashtag it can be seen and often used by us. He wanted to relate to the younger audience the most so they can look to this and realize what sacrifices their parents has made for them. By adding #dear mum anybody can share a post through any social media account and share their own memory they have of what their mom has done for them.

Lastly Kamal Saleh use of spoken words to describe his mother is truly touching it leaves the members with a feeling of wanting more. By him sharing his past experiences of being young and dumb and not giving his mother a helping hand relates a lot to us as an audience. Also the theme that was often viewed throughout the whole piece was a feeling of regret and sacrifices that Saleh had. As he growing up he learns from his mistakes he made and that’s why he adds that he will promises to become a son that your will adore from now on. This exemplifies that he can’t go to the past and fix the mistakes that he had made but just apologize for what had done and just move on.

 

Final Draft for Assignment 1

Links:-  Expectations    Pre-draft    Rough Draft      

People whose work I’ve peer reviewed: Katherine Celis and Luis Romero → (by email)

                       Artist Statement

  1. Who is your audience for this project? What do you want them to know before reading your piece?

My audience for this project is obviously my professor but also the people who believe that African American people are obliged to speak the perfect standard English. I want them to know that this is not the case.

  1. What do you want them to learn from your piece?

I want my audience to learn the other side of the argument, to hear the claim of the opposite party because every picture has two sides.

  1. Do you think they’ll be able to learn that? Why? Why not?

Hopefully, they will be able to do that because I’ve made some pretty strong points using actual events that have been occurred in the past.

  1. What unique perspective did you bring to your analysis that someone else might not have?

In terms of bringing a unique perspective to my project, I think I was able to do that by trying to imagine that all of these horrific things are happening to me. Although it is not really possible but it gave me an idea of how African American really feel regarding racial injustice.

  1. What did you learn through this project?

And speaking of what I learned from this project, I guess I have kinda learned how to build a whole project in small pieces. Because for this essay, first we gathered our expectations, then we talked about our main interests in the poem, and then we put down our thoughts in a raw shape. This mechanism really helped me making this project.

  1. What would you still like to learn?

In future, I would like to learn the counterclaim of other African American people who also believe that we need to speak the standard English language as a nation.

  1. What, if any, role did class discussions and your peers play in your project?

I have had a great help and continuous support from my classmates and my professor while doing this project, in terms of guiding me, correcting me and helping me to focus on main point.

  1. How has your thinking changed about poetry (if it has) since working on this project?

About the change in my views towards poems, I would say that I have learned the importance of poems and how much effective they are. Before this, I used to think that poems are just about choosing the words that sound same and using a same pattern for the whole poem, but now I know how a poem can be so helpful and convincing when you try to send your point across the hall.

  1. If you had another week to work on your project, what would you do with it? How would you change it?

If I had another week to work on my project, I would definitely discuss Steven’s rhetoric choices more. I guess I have already touched that in a very specific way. But he has selected every word in his poem with a hidden meaning behind it.

  1. The last thing you want to tell your audience before they dive into your project is?

The last thing that I want to tell my audience is that I don’t always a grip on my conclusion, I often feel like that I am not able to summarize my complete thoughts in conclusion but I am working on it.    

                            The Fight for Identity

In his spoken words “Ebonics 101”, Steven Willis has amazingly described the struggles of an African American person by combining it with his/her way of talking in a brilliant way. Steven has successfully managed to keep a theme throughout the whole poem that literally portraits a clear picture of how angry an African American person is because of a long history of racial injustice towards African American people, and how passionate he/she is about changing the stereotypical way an African American person is usually treated in our society.

      It is safe to say that in this poem, Steven has reached a new level of creativity and the ability to combine several great thoughts in just one sentence. The whole focus of the poem is to defend the slang language which is spoken by African American people. Steven has made it real clear that “Ebonics” is not just some street language. As he defined it in his own words, “Ebonics is the official language of the undefined black culture”. To establish his claim, he literally created three grammar lessons of “Ebonics”. The most impressive thing I found was how he connected those three rules to all the oppression and racial injustice that an African American person has been facing for over a century now. Like when he explained the first rule which stated that “any English word that holds an (in) combination, the (i) becomes an (a)”. To elaborate this rule, he gave and example of Dr. Martin Luther king Jr. This clearly proves my above claim that Steven created a strong link between the way African American people speak and the racial injustice against them. Steven did the exact same thing with other two lessons and made sure that his audience understand the fact that African American people intentionally speak the way they speak. They want to have their own identity, culture and language, not the one their oppressor “The White Person” has.

      Steven specifically gave the example of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and other incidents that involved African American people to create a direct relationship between the racial injustice and discrimination against African American people and the way they chose to speak. He talked about Dr.King’s march in civil right movement so his audience can get a visual idea of all the atrocities African Americans had to put up with. He talked about Emmett Till calling for help in the same language when he mercilessly got killed  by inhumane Caucasian people, just because he had a different colored skin. He talked about Rodney King screaming, and telling those Caucasian police officers in the same language to stop beating him just because he had a different colored skin. He also talked about Trayvon Martin asking George Zimmerman in the same language, why he is following him  just before that bloodthirsty George shot him, because he had a different colored skin. This list goes on and on but the point is why Caucasian people want African Americans to speak their language when they don’t even accept their existence in their society.    

      To sum up, the main goal of Steven is to tell the world that the way African American people speak, it’s not just some street words. It is not just some slang. It is not a broken English. This is Ebonics. There is a whole culture behind it. A culture that represents their heritage, their century long struggle for their freedom, for their identity, for their rights and the fact that they are different from “the man“.

 

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