Nathalie Bonilla
Spoken word
Peer pressure
As I enter the party jocks hand me a drink. Thinking to myself if I don’t take a sip I won’t be a big hit. Tasting the acidy thirst quencher, Makes me want to barf it all back up just from a sip I just took. Looking around thinking how can people enjoy this orange potion drink? The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend but also very in love with me takes away the fun cup. After trying to fit this disgusting awful drink I get penalized from the scent that is in nature normal to me. After getting peer pressured into taking a sip of pollution juice into my body. I get embarrassed I have a shadow named Bruno following me asking what I am doing in such a place. Your right why would a nerdy calm Islamic girl be doing here late night at a party trying alcohol for the first time. Having this shadow follow me around trying to stop my every move of “making a bad decision” which can maybe change my life forever. Asking me if my strict parents know I’m out this late of the night. I’m sure if he was from Pakistan they would be setting up the wedding by now. “No” they don’t know I’m living my life the way I want to and no one will be able to control me. I just want to be a normal teenager. I know sneaking out wasn’t the answer. But Abu and Abu-Jann don’t understand what I would do to live a normal young adult life. My grades are perfect I do everything they ask me to do! What about me! and what I want to do. I know this night changed my life but for the better I’m not just kamala any more I’m Mz marvel.
Nathalie,
This is so exciting: I’m thrilled that you’ve chosen to write a spoken word piece! For your next draft, I would encourage you to space out your text line by line — that makes a huge difference with spoken word. For example:
As I enter the party
jocks hand me a drink.
Thinking to myself
if I don’t take a sip
I won’t be a big hit.
has a very different rhythm than
As I enter the party jocks hand me a drink.
Thinking to myself if I don’t take a sip I won’t be a big hit.
Which has a very different rhythm than
As I enter the party jocks hand me a drink. Thinking to myself if I don’t take a sip I won’t be a big hit.
You know what I mean? What do you want your rhythm to be like?
Try listening to some spoken word pieces — maybe one or two that you liked from earlier in the term — as you’re editing. That can get some potential rhythms in your head. Then, try editing in a way that makes you feel good about reading it out loud, performing it (you don’t have to actually perform it, of course, but a key part of spoken word is the spoken part, of course, so you wanna be thinking about how you would speak it out). Does that make sense?
I’m super excited for how this turns out!!!
I really like the fact that you chose to do a spoken word. its actually the one I find the hardest to do. after reading yours and imagining someone saying this out loud I felt that I can write my own spoken word. One thing I noticed was your choice of words “pollution juice” and “orange potion drink” really gave me a sense that drinking alcohol was a new experience for her regardless if I read the comic or not. I wonder if you would have structured it a different way would it have more rhythm. overall I really enjoyed reading your spoken word. If I was someone who didn’t read the comic at all, this spoken word would help me understand the concept of the first scene and how it really transformed her life. good job. btw my monologue will be up by tomorrow morning so read and comment thank you