From the day, we are born our mothers have worked so hard to ensure safety, love, and compassion every day in our lives. In some circumstances, we realize what they truly have done for us when it’s too late. We don’t appreciate the little subtle things they do, such as comfort us when times are hard, cook your favorite meal after a hard day of work, when all she wants to do is go to bed. Those things we take for granted. When becoming a mother, there isn’t an instruction Manual that comes with you when you are born, she learns through time and that isn’t easy to do. She will try everything in her power to ensure the best for you.
In #DearMum by Momen Suliman throughout the video truly expresses how much his mother really loved him. Before he was even born she loved him to her hearts content. She struggled throughout her nine months of pregnancy and knew it was all going to be worth it, when she saw her Babyboy. She would give or do anything for him, as long as her son was safe and secure. He would also mention how he never had to chance to really thank his mother for all the hours she would spend cooking, cleaning, and taking care of him when he was down with a cold. In Momens words “She gave to me was the best medicine that was pure a prescription of tea honey and handmade lemonade what more could I ask for”. Momen truly regrets not saying he loved her more, and you can hear it in his voice how much he loves his mother and is grateful for everything she has done for him.
Throughout the video, he multiple forms of imagery. Such as the animations he’s doing with his hands, which really captivates an audience to be more immersed into the video. Also, the place he’s standing to film the video, the kitchen where Momen says his mother would be in for hours cooking for him and his family, and ask for no reward just the love from her son is all she ever wanted. Aswell as a mug of possibly tea right beside him which I thought was a great touch.
Questions
1) Did I sound repetive?
2) Punctuations?
3) Is there something I should change?
4) Anything I should take out that you feel doesn’t belong there?
5) Does the overall writing make sense to you?
2 thoughts on “Rough Draft Assignment 1”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
My favorite part of your project so far is the whole poem, your first paragraph is beautiful.
I would love it if you expanded on these two specific ideas… how did express his love for his mother other than his words?
It seems like your target audience is everyone because of the language you are using.
Here are two ideas to help you reach your audience even more effectively by adding more words and explaining what you are saying more, especially towards the end, as your intro is very strong.
Things that you haven’t done yet that I really think would make your project more powerful are… is how the mother struggles, explain why Momen was ashamed.
My overall thoughts are… great intro and great grasp of the deeper meaning of the spoken word poem.
Your Questions
1) Did I sound repetive?
No.
2) Punctuation? Work on spelling and commas. Transition words also, make it flow, you know?
3) Is there something I should change?
No, if anything elaborate and add more evidences, you have very good main ideas, that could use a little more support.
4) Anything I should take out that you feel doesn’t belong there?
Not really no.
5) Does the overall writing make sense to you?
Yes it does, great job!
Jonathan,
I agree with Nawal’s line of thinking — your first paragraph is particularly beautiful. I think this is the part where we see the most of you, so I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this is where your writing is most vivid. You’re painting a picture, here, in a similar way that we see/hear/read in the poem you’re analyzing, and that’s super cool, and quite effective at pulling in your reader.
The summary of the poem that follows is also sharp, and you relate the feelings and thoughts of the poem very well. I’d love to see you really expand on specifics, though: I’m seeing a lot more summary than deep analysis so far, and that’s okay — that’s largely what drafts can be for, getting your structure down. But I’d encourage you, throughout the rest of the process, to really focus in on a few of the images you point to, like for example the kitchen and the mug more specifically. What drew you to that image? Why? What impact do you think it had on the poem beyond the obvious connection to the words, for example? These don’t have to be the questions you explore, but I guess what I’m getting at is, the deeper and more specific you go, the better.
I’d also encourage you to think about this: your intro is beautifully written, and it seems to address an audience that has similar experiences as the poet, with a loving, doting, affectionate mother (your use of the term “we” indicates this to me, among other things). So you’re making an interesting move here (that a lot of your other classmates are making, too) — you’re moving out from the poem’s specific focus on *his* mother and seeping toward a broader statement about *motherhood* (mothers in general, not just one particular mother). That’s an interesting move to make, and I wonder if you could do a little thinking — in your essay itself and/or in your artist’s statement — about what implications that has. How is the rhetoric of talking about one specific mother different than using that same rhetoric to talk about mothers generally? What happens when we do that? What intellectual and emotional risks do we take, and what is the pull that the poet made toward taking them?
Things to think about, and I’m eager to see you address these kinds of questions in your next version! Nice work so far — can’t wait to read where it goes.